So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
