me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
