well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
