beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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