textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
