I must be too annoying 4 u.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
