my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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