I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
