After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
