Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
