i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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