fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
