I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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