I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
