you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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