You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
