Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
