can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
