dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
