I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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