I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
