I feel great
I just peed on a car
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
