So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
