I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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