A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
