I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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