just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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