Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
