life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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