help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
