our cab driver is having phone sex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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