So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
