It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
