i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
