Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
