If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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