Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
