Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
