my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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