My hand turned me down
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
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A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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