Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Me too!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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