haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
