We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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