Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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