Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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