Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We are all done wearing pants today
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
