I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is wine microwaveable?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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