that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
