he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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