Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
