you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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