Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
