I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
