if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
