I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
