God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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