My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just cropdusted the office
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
