dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
