apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
